Friday, 29 October 2010

In Which I Become a Death Commando

On Wednesday night, I had the following dream:

A silver 860 cc motorcycle which fitted me perfectly gave way to the face of a man asking me earnestly if I was Welsh.
A row of terraced houses - perfectly painted where they fronted  the road, in many shades of brown and terracotta. Behind those prim facades, however, a ravening Evil was lurking.
My companions and I were to enter into battle with the Evil behind the house fronts. I exchanged the dark green stickers on my left shoulder at a ticket window for black ones - and I knew that I had joined the Death Commandos. As we made our way towards the row houses, a woman on my right hand turned to me and said :"It's not goodbye, you know. It's see-you-later." And we entered the houses...

This was me for most of my adult life - searching everywhere for some theory of how things worked, desperately trying to fit reason and method onto life. Even after I started to experience events which can at best be described anomalous, I was still feeling a little bewildered at the lack of apparent law and order in this Universe.

And then I found myself at the ground of all Being. The mystical union of Life with All That Is, the evanescent knowledge of this is how it is, this is the only way it can be fizzing up through my hard bitten brain and habits, to convince me, where it mattered, that there is truly nothing to fear, ever, and that the essential nature of the Cosmos is One. Or zero, as the case may be.

At the same time, however, an incandescent rage was growing in me, for the devastation wrought by post agricultural civilization upon the earthly matrix of Life. A sympatico with Anarchists arose within me, alongside a determination to see the fall of this hugely abusive system of control, whatever the cost to myself.

It would seem, from a distance, that I had breached an incompatible paradox. The fact of the Unity of All, the Divinity of All, the absence of anything at all to fear, versus the growing need to see that which did nothing but hurt, maim, destroy and rend into bloody pieces dead itself.

As Bruce Duensing so evocatively puts it in a recent post:

"On the other hand we have the physicist Niels Bohr and the adept named Lao Tze  recognizing the crucial nature of paradox versus attempting to conform spirals in cubes. Bohrs once said simply "How wonderful that we have met with a paradox. Now we have some hope of making progress. " while Lao Tze some centuries before observed that truth is always paradoxical, at the moment of coherence when apparent opposites reveal their interdependence." (emphasis mine)

Eventually -in a sacred trance accompanied by my deities, ancestors and spirit animals - I rent the tension the paradox created. The bubble burst, to coin another common phrase, and All collapsed into its true state of not this, not that.
Both worldviews are ineluctably True. And in the space once occupied by the tension in the superficially opposing stances I now find a peace, an essential rightness, and a deeper knowledge of where I'm heading.

Yes indeed, there is nothing to fear. And yes, it is all One Thing, never divided save for Love's sake. And yes, I have irrevocably pledged mySelf to the Great Battle - that of our Evil components, which have grown sick unto Death, against our indivisible Selves, which seek to negate this abomination which We ourselves have brought to bear upon Being.

Neti neti, Always Already we are One, and None, and we - some of Us - go forward to deal a death blow to that which seeks to harm us all.