Monday, 6 September 2010

I Chose This

Well, this is an unusual space for me to be in - not that I never get depressed, but that it happens so rarely that I forget each time how to handle it.

Like a swiftly drawn curtain of rough hemp, the disconnection settles into my soul. I suddenly find myself surrounded by complete idiots - heedless, thoughtless, conscious-less avatars of the mediocre culture which anchors humankind. At such a time, I find any number of life forms better company than my own race - plant people, bird people, dog people - all appear possessed of an understanding and a light which outstrips, not just my human kins', but my own feeble luminosity as well.

Ah, the dark and dreadful caverns of despair! How Gothic and melodramatic I do sound.

Yet I must remember, when my spirit shrinks into the lightless holes which are all I see, that I chose this. Not just within the spacetime frame of one human incarnation, but long before and after this life, I actually selected these conditions for mySelf, in this interval.

And really, how bad is it after all? I have gifted myself with a greater than normal human intelligence in this lifetime, and a potential for understanding which  - to be baldly honest - I see in very few of my 'peers'. I have come through the dismemberment of a Shamanic initiation, this time around, and learned so much through pain and death that I am, most of the time, a very happy and contented - ofttimes even ecstatic - little ego-self indeed.

And here, as the sun sets a couple of weeks before an equinox, wrapped in the love of my landbase, the care of my Ancestors, the benison of the Deities and the exuberance of my nonhuman companions: here, I whine about my self-imposed isolation, and feel depressed that no human within hailing distance of my physical aura has an inkling of understanding. How self absorbed. How silly. How downright un bloody grateful.

Ah yes - that's better. A swift kick to my own arse from my own dear Self has done the trick, again.

Pic: The Hermit by KKL